Journal Entry:
"We checked into a nice hotel in Madurai today, thank you Travis for the foresight of knowing we would need intermittent nice places throughout our trip to make things a little easier for a few days. We need this place to rest, re-connect and eat. The ashram was hard for me and I was legitimately "running" across the bridge the night of our train ride, to get away from that cult-y place. Looking back, the views were amazing, and it probably wouldn't have been that bad, but it gave me the creeps, and I wasn't allowed to show any affection or sleep in the same bed as Travis, (two small twin beds adorned the room, and it was specifically requested that no funny business go on so people could focus on their meditation. Something I totally get, though, I needed a good cuddle in that place is all I'm saying.) the lunch/dinner plates were barely washed that we ate from (they were washed by people with ash and then re-used immediately however well washed or not by the next person, the nurse's daughter in me cringing) the women walking around were all Travis' "type"(hippies with long flowy hair and garments- to which I felt equal jealousy, and weird "Big Love"(Polygamist-mormom show on TV) creepiness from) and all these people were worshipping a person, which is totally against everything I have believed my whole life. I felt like telling this guru to be more humble, don't have people pushing themselves in line, acting crazy, for a person! You are not God!... Ok, I'll stop.
Because of all these feeling of mine, and Travis' totally valid feelings in the contrary, we fought. Well, not because of the ashram, but because I had 2 hours of sleep both nights, was feeling really vulnerable from being at the ashram, generally feeling wiped from being in India, and then there was a triggering incident, with a rooftop display, and some sssshhhh'ing, which I hate, and I blew up. I walked away, and didn't speak to him all day. It was good for me to get space, it didn't feel like the last time where I wanted to leave, just that I needed space from this person I had been spending 24 hours w/ for weeks. I called my parents for the 1st time since I'd been in India, had a nice but short convo with them, told them all about India so far, and then proceeded to cry about it being hard here and me being home sick. I wish I could be more tough sometimes, but India is hard and I am trying my best. My parents were reassuring and sweet. After the phone call I had a full day: I ate and then saw and got my new Italian (funny, great) friend's facebook, helped move a thousand or so pamphlets, emailed, sat outside by the river, slept, read. And then I woke up from sleeping and saw Travis had gone to eat without me (as he should have). I got really sad that I was acting this way and that he wasn't there. I went and found him in the waves of people and sat by him to eat. We had a nonchalant talk on the beach, he went to volunteer, I went to volunteer, and by dinner it was quiet but a little better. But with another sleepless night, I broke down, telling him we weren't right for each other, etc. He just let me talk, said maybe we weren't and let me cry alone. Once we got to Madurai to a clean, safe hotel, all my anxiety melted away. We ate, napped, showered (warm water!), talked, napped, ate, woke up in the AM and were completely in love. We had talked it through and I need to work on being less jealous, for sure, but I told him it was more, I needed to be looked after in that "creepy" place and I felt abandoned... We held each other that day, ate and rested, and everything felt possible again."
Email from home:
" Hi Briana, I was thinking after you called that you should not underestimate the magnitude of what you are doing. You are traveling to a place that under the very best of conditions is quite difficult to endure...By everyone's account, it is one of the toughest places on earth to visit. You are staying for a very long time to be away from home and the things that you are used to and that give you comfort, even if you don't realize it at the time. It's hard enough to be away for a week or two, let alone a month. I always feel that way when I am in Ecuador, but even western Europe because it is just different from what we are used to, out of our "comfort zone". You are spending 24/7 with someone - absolutely every minute of every day - again something you are not used to.... So even though Travis is your love, it still leaves you with no recharge time at all. So no wonder you are having a tough time! (In reference to a wonderful Italian woman I met who said her "English was catastrophic", to which I responded, "If your English was catastrophic you would not know that word!" haha) And if you run into more Italians, use the English word "sub-optimal" for things that are catastrophically not right. That is Attilio's favorite word in that situation." -I love you, Dad
The bridge to 'safety', haha
